From Today's NY Times "Play" Magazine
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Tryouts and Errors
BY JACK HANDEY
Published: August 3, 2008
100-METER DASH — Couldn’t finish; too far.
LONG JUMP — Couldn’t reach landing pit; twisted ankle.
SHOT-PUT — Refused to pick up ant-covered shot; disqualified.
ROWING — Whipped teammates with belt to make them row faster; disqualified.
10-METER DIVING — Platform too high.
SWIMMING — Starting block too high.
FENCING — Threw handful of dirt in opponent’s eyes; disqualified.
BADMINTON — Bit off opponent’s ear; disqualified.
400-METER DASH — Joined race for last 10 meters. Spit ear across finish line at last second to win; disqualified.
MARATHON — Got lost.
DISCUS — Not sure what to do with it.
TENNIS — Expelled for so-called skimpy shorts.
BOXING — Knocked out; knocked out; knocked out. Put boxing gloves back up on shelf; they fell off and knocked me out.
HIGH JUMP — Optical illusion made it look like I jumped under the bar.
VICTORY LAP — Apparently no such event.
SOME OTHER RACE — Inadvertently won a different race while doing victory lap; disqualified.
ARCHERY — Unable to string bow.
JAVELIN — O mighty javelin, greatest and most beautiful of spears! Thy sharpèd point saved Thebes and scattered thine enemies like grebes! Hail to thee, O javelin! (Overslept; missed tryout.)
MYSTERY SPORT — Not exactly sure what this sport was, but I was awarded 22 “unprovoked tries,” whatever they are. Or maybe I was penalized 22 unprovoked tries. Not sure.
TABLE TENNIS — Not allowed to wear my protective mask, chest protector or cup; quit in protest.
CYCLING — Not very good at this, so I thought maybe I could make team by coming out on a really small “joke” bicycle. Really, if you saw this thing, how tiny it is, you’d say, “Come on, we gotta put him on the team.” (Never heard back.)
UNEVEN BARS — Not sure how to get onto upper bar.
BALANCE BEAM — I have no idea what this is.
RINGS — No, French fries! (No response from judges.)
WEIGHT LIFTING — This has to be the dumbest sport ever. No one could lift those weights! They’re too heavy! You’d have to be a muscleman or something.
SAILING — Unable to locate ocean.
HURDLES — Isn’t it actually harder to run around the hurdles, weaving in and out, than over them? This is the point I was trying to make.
EQUESTRIAN — Should be made clear, beforehand, that a horse is required for this.
TRYOUT FOR JOB AS OLYMPIC OFFICIAL — Couldn’t figure out how to work timing clock; gave winner in 100 meters a time of 10 “guess” seconds; not hired.
TRYOUT FOR JOB AS COTTON-CANDY MAKER — Cotton candy came out “molten”; not hired.
TRYOUT FOR SPECTATOR — Apparently I have a loud, constant cough that sounds like a starting pistol; barred from stands.
DON-BAITING — Reminded my friend Don how great his ex-wife was; made him cry!