Denver-based Catholic Health
Initiatives will acquire Nebraska Heart Institute and Nebraska Heart Hospital,
both located in Lincoln, according to a Grand Island Independent report. (satire starts) In doing so Catholic Health Initiative
Hospitals will join the Nebraska Law Suit against the Obama Administration to
protest being required to provide Birth Control in the Health Care Services.
Current Lincoln Heart Hospital employees will have their Health Insurance
updated, and be requested to flush their
remaining Birth Control pills down the toilet.
Newly installed Cardinal Timothy Dolan is quoted as saying, “The
fact that we don’t require proof to show that the pills were flushed shows how
tolerant we are being to the sinners among us.”
He has also sent 3 priests for temporary assignment to take confession
from the newly identified sinners.
In other news (satire grows; marginally) Catholic Health
Initiative’s current Hospitals in Arkansas, Tennessee, Ohio, Wisconsin and
Colorado – in addition to the newly aquired ones in Nebraska, will be closed on
Sundays, beginning in March 2012. A spokesman said, “Our stated
mission is clear and on our web site, ‘The mission of Catholic Health
Initiatives is to nurture the healing ministry of the Church by bringing it new
life, energy and viability in the 21st century. Fidelity to the Gospel urges us
to emphasize human dignity and social justice as we move toward the creation of
healthier communities.’ We can’t do that
on a Sunday! The Bible says reserveth thy Sunday for the Lord.” The spokesperson immediately drooped to one knee and Tebow'ed - which makes sense as Catholic Health Initiative is headquartered in Denver.
When questioned as to what happens if a accident occurs on a Sunday, the
spokesperson responded. “Kind of Lord’s
will, then isn’t it?” After a moment the
spokesperson added, “In 75% of our coverage areas, another hospital is within
53.6 miles. We suggest the heathens can always
travel to a secondary support facility.”
Two receptionists (who requested anonymity) asked the injured
to bring back some Birth Control pills and condoms. They were immediately fired.