Monday, April 14, 2014

Bringith to Me the Articles of Incorporation and Devotion (trademark pending)

(In which our hero mocks the Supreme Court, not Religion)
So, the Supreme Court has already found that Corporations have the Right of Free Speech.  And there is a law before the court to grant them Right of Worship – which would allow corporate entities to deny insurance access to female employees for any contraception as it violates their Right of Freedom of Religion.  Oddly enough, the contraception doesn’t have to actually cause abortions, just the “truly held belief that it does”.  Well kids, if that bad boy clears the court, Daddy wants a cut.
Hallelujah - Corporate Religion is the future.
And so I have devised been blessed with God’s plan in the form of the divine Miracle of the True Church of the Articles of Incorporation and Devotion (trademark pending).
The Christians defined their truth in the Second Book of the Bible as the New Testament.
The Latter Day Saints have defined their truth in the Third Book (or so) of the Bible as the Book of Mormon.
The True Church of the Articles of Incorporation and Devotion (hereafter referred to as TCAID (trademark pending)) has defined the Truth via a set of marks up and appendixes re: King James Bible (content use – public domain).  
Note: All references to gender are based on the Open Source King James Version and do not imply an endorsement of this obvious sexism.
TCAID Appendix ONE.

Insert into Genesis Chapter 9:17 (hereafter known as article of the Rainbow Covenant) item 9:17:a – 9:17:f

9:17:a And Noah took the covenant in good faith back to his household.  And yet his wife said untoith Noah, “A Rainbow?  We are in mud up to our asses, both literally and figuratively, and you get a postcard in the sky every now and then.  I have two monkeys that could negotiate a better deal than that.
9:17:a:1 And Donald Rumsfeld smiled and said, “I’m using that later.”
9:17:b For Noah’s wife was not a nice woman, and litigious.
9:17:c And the Lord God looked upon the mankind he had just blessed and saw the signs of remorse at a deal done badly.
9:17:d And the Lord God said, “Let me ensure the covenant, to which Noah so warmly received shall stand us in good stead the long years ahead.  And so I will incorporate into an LLC”
9:17:e And the LLC, the Limited Liability Corporation was created.  And the Lord God looked upon it an all was good.
9:18 And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.

Update Exodus 20 as noted (hereafter known as Yearly Goals and Metrics)
1 And God spake all these words, saying,
2 I am the Lord thy God, which haue brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage:
20:2:a And this shall be the contract for those of which I have saved.  This shall be considered as binding and self-renewing until canceled in writing 30 days before the annual renewal date – which shall be the date of birth or the nearest day of feast in the birth month (Note: This has been interrupted by later scholars as the first month of any New Year given the appalling state of record keeping in the Sinai at the time.  New Year being further defined as January 1 of common calendar.  Jewish, Chinese, Lunar and Zoorastiag Calendars are valued, but not used in this, purely record-keeping, context.)
3 Thou shalt haue no other Gods before me.
20:3:a And upon termination of services, any and all previous tithings, intellectual property and work product shall remain the property of Our Lord (LLC) covered under this covenant.**
4 Thou shalt not make vnto thee any grauen Image, or any likenesse of any thing that is in heauen aboue, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water vnder the earth.  (ie. Don’t screw off on company time)
5 Thou shalt not bow downe thy selfe to them, nor serue them: For I the Lord thy God am a iealous God, visiting the iniquitie of the fathers vpon the children, vnto the thirde and fourth generation of them that hate me: (ie. intellectual theft will be prosecuted)
6 And shewing mercy vnto thousands of them that loue mee, and keepe my Commandements.
20:6:a Except as noted in line 20:2:a above, and therein with 30-day’s notice
7 Thou shalt not take the Name of the Lord thy God in vaine: for the Lord will not holde him guiltlesse, that taketh his Name in vaine.
20:7:a Except when thy teamith lose in a bowl game.  Then Our Lord (LLC) gives you two free ones.
8 Remember the Sabbath day, to keepe it holy.
9 Sixe dayes shalt thou labour, and doe all thy worke:
10 But the seuenth day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not doe any worke, thou, nor thy sonne, nor thy daughter, thy man seruant, nor thy mayd seruant, nor thy cattell, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:
11 For in sixe dayes the Lord made heauen and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seuenth day: wherefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day, and halowed it ***
12  Honour thy father and thy mother [ADD] and thy managerial team at all levels [END ADD]: that thy dayes may bee long vpon the land, which the Lord thy God giueth thee.
20:12:a But expectith not a pension for Our Lord (LLC) is not madeith of money.
13 Thou shalt not kill.
14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.
15 Thou shalt not steale.
16 Thou shalt not beare false witnes against thy neighbour.
20:16:a Exceptith within the courts of man, which are not the vessels of truth.  Therein, a little white false witness mayest be forgiven if it advances thy good of the LLC, increased thy bonus or getest thy board of directors off the hot poker.
17 Thou shalt not couet thy neighbours house, thou shalt not couet thy neighbours wife, nor his man seruant, nor his maid seruant, nor his oxe, nor his asse, nor any thing that is thy neighbours.
20:17:a And thou shalt not point out the Board of Directors’ couet of thy things.  Thy trumpetting of same shall be known as “whistleblowing” and subject to immediate termination of thy covenants.
18 And all the people saw the thundrings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountaine smoking: and when the people saw it, they remooued, and stood a farre off.
19 And they saide vnto Moses, Speake thou with vs, and wee will heare: But let not God speake with vs, lest we die.
20 And Moses said vnto the people, Feare not: for God is come to prooue you, and that his feare may bee before your faces, that ye sinne not.
20:20:a And Moses said vnto the people, “And thy covenant will be bound for the period of a year and renewed annually.  But they works shall anyforth be subject to laws hereafter known as AT WILL.”
20:20:b And all was good.  And in thy period of ONE YEAR, Our Lord God LLC renewed thy covenant.  And the LLC covenant givith, consistent with the rate of CORE inflation minus housing, a great increase of 1.275% (1.35% for high potential candidates).
20:20:c And thus the children of Israel were hired.

**Sometimes referred to as “The Joseph Smith” codicil

*** Our Lord God LLC gives a day off, how many of your previous employers did that.

No comments: