So my maternal Grandfather was Manic / Depressive - and was prescribed Librium. Which he took occasionally, but often didn't. My fondest memories of my Grandfather (Quinn) were going to the zoo, or watching the Republican convention, or playing poker. In retrospect, it was his manic moments - when things were great and he was feisty. I didn't see him all that much during his down periods or when he didn't like that I was gay or any of that. I didn't even hear much about that shit. When he was with me - times were always good - even when he was down. We would commiserate together about life.
.
Lucky me, I inherited this trait / illness / disease / whatever. Now it is called bipolar and there are medicines that even you out. *
.
But here is the thing; I think everyone, as they get older, misses the crazy immediacy of life. You never had more fun than the night when you were in your 20s and stayed up all night with 3 friends, drinking - running around the city causing trouble. You never fell harder and more exquisitely in love than you did the first few times.
.
So it happens to everyone. But if you are on meds to even life out, you tend to blame the meds, not age. So when you hit a low - even if it is not as low as it was without meds - you blame age AND medicines for the fact your missing out on life. And you want to toss the meds (or stop taking librium or whatever).
.
I am SO lucky I have Eddie to pull me back from the edge when that happens. I mean I might have been able to do it on my own for the last 20 years, but I am not sure I would have. And my life is so much better with him - on the highs and the lows.
.
So I love and appreciate him sharing the highs with me. And I love and apologize that every so often he has to pull my tired ass through the lows.
.
*My grandfather - who was a Phd Psychologist and head of the department at Chapman College - explained that (then) recent investigations found it was an inherited trait - like eye color - passed from male generation to a skipped male generation along the maternal line. Which meant I would probably have it. He warned me of this in a lucid moment of his when I was about 25, which did help things fall into place.