Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Lamest "Sponsored" Content Image in a While

The Daily Beast has some sponsored content (i.e. "ads") in their feed for a while now around Christmas.
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I don't complain - they have to pay the bills and there are worst ways than showing us the beautiful Italian model Bianca Balti and the equally beautiful English model David Gandy in various phases of swimsuit wetness and hotness.
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However, today they had a different link in the hot stories section.
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Not better.  Not by a long shot. Not a better picture or a better story.
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A stupid item.
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Look.
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I'll tell you what this poor sap needs for the holiday season.
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Looser pants or a bigger sock.  If you're going to focus on the peen front and center in white pants, It had better be impressive or straining the pants.  This just looks like he hiked everything to the right while the left side is all loosey goosey. (see appendix 1)
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A Jacket that fits.  Kids, the whole super tight jacket thing is designed to show biceps, not highlight chicken wings or show that the sleeves are too short.  Look at any picture of Henry Cavill in a suite (best done in Man from U.N.C.L.E.) to see how this is done. (see appendix 2)
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A Shirt that is better tucked in (and not ugly). The shirt buttons don't line up with the pants - probably because he hiked the pants up and to the left to get the peen pic.  The super pale blue against the pale blue jacket doesn't really work, but might if the cuffs of said shirt weren't Village People Cyan. (see appendix 3)
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Needs a belt.  In this picture, the model (who is undoubtably attractive) looks a little tubby.  He has a belly role (see above) because of the bad tuck job (above) and a pants roll-under because of bad tuck job (below).  A simple DG belt would have solved or at least hidden those flaws. (see appendix 4)
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This ad is a disaster.  I hope, truly hope, that this is some gay art director getting back at Dolce and Gabbana for their asshole'ish comments on gay marriage, adoption and in vitro fertilization.  If so - Bravo!, you have made them look like idiots.
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Appendix(s)

Appendix 1) This is how you make large peen look effortless (Jon Hamm for the win)

Appendix 2) This is how you use a tight suit
Appendix 3) See buttons on shirt IN LINE with buttons on pants (even though neither are attractive, it looks like they are suppose to be together).  However: 12 points off Gryffendor for faux tuck.

Appendix 4) If you don't line up shirt and pants exactly, a belt will help hide the fact.
And if that doesn't work, Ryan Gosling's eyes make up for everything.

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