Thursday, July 24, 2014

I didn't know they even had such a thing...

Apparently Fox, FOX - the people behind birth control is evil - have a sex column on line.  Well Salon has reposted an Alternet column that shares 11 pieces of advice.
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Rather than try to summarize, I will copy, because I liked it.
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Fox News doesn’t just bring hard-hitting stories to the gullible and elderly about how Santa Claus is white and how NYC public schools teach people how to abandon their babies. It also offers sex advice (!) with its column titled Fox on Sex. As you might imagine, many of these “sexpert” tips are thinly veiled bouts of sexism and hackneyed gender stereotypes, but sometimes they are also just plain hilarious. Here are some of our favorite Fox News tips for your love life.
“Caught up in their roles, lovers are given the perfect excuse to check out often taboo areas of the body or explore them as never before. How can he refuse the prostate ‘exam’ from his hot-to-trot doctor? How can she not bend over to make sure that everything is A-OK down there?”
Got it. Uninvited rectal exams are A-OK as long as you do so while wearing scrubs.
2. Pranks that will spice up your love life (Fox removed this after it was published, but thankfully it lives on the internet)
“Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work. Beware though, this could keep him tied up for a while.”
This is also a really good test to determine whether or not you’re dating a third grader.
“Spend a little ‘mad’ money on yourself. … Take the time to discover what turns you on, from silky-smooth satin pajamas to a Victorian bustier.”
If you’re bored with your partner, it’s most definitely because you don’t have enough exciting underwear or immobilizing corsets. “Mad” money indeed.

“Sex is like cooking … The end result can be delicious, but it’s important to savor the steps along the way.”
You’re right! I don’t even want to have sex anymore. I’m just going to peel 700 potatoes. It’s the journey, not the destination!
“If you just met, don’t let your bodies touch. You’re after a kiss, not sexual harassment charges.”
You don’t understand, Officer — her breasts touched my sweatervest! Take her away.
The author is also vehemently opposed to lip gloss and ChapStick: “The scent or texture of such goop can evoke dry heaving more than the desire for dry humping.”
We’re personally not wild about flavored lips, but a mild cherry scent is certainly not going to make us vomit on a stranger. You’d think the would-be kisser had smeared week-old tuna casserole on his or her lips and then lunged for your face.
“Always ask to see ID and carry a condom. Enough said.”
Ask to see an ID? Because you’re trolling for tail at a Justin Bieber concert?
“Men are, in many ways, kindergarteners who want nothing more than your appreciation and respect for their hard work.”
Is that why he finger-painted our grocery list on the fridge in Nutella?
“Nothing invigorates you — or your sex life — like the novel …”
Finally, someone takes seriously the erotic potential of Tolstoy’s War and Peace! Oh.
“…The best part about this is that that can be almost anything in and out of the bedroom. Just remember to check your state’s laws regarding public nudity, use of sex toys, sodomy.”
It’s like they say: A vibrator is between you and the terrible person who would turn you into the police for owning one. (Read more terrible sex laws here).
“Rather than rummaging under the car seat for quarters to make that five bucks she needs for gas, give her a ten ‘just in case’ and don’t sweat the change. Sure, you might give up your double shot caramel grande because of it. But suck it up cappuccino-boy, because this will give you Trump-like credit for later.”
Ten whole dollars! Why, Cappuccino-Boy, you shouldn’t have. I shall use this bounty to scooter my way up a dozen more blocks at least!
“The sumptuous paintings and sculptures of Georgia O’Keefe at the O’Keefe Gallery in Santa Fe or at any number of other museums are a reminder of how sexy it can be to go to an art museum with your partner and revel in the rich hues and sensual shapes. Admiring her often erotic work (Are those flowers or…) will likely leave you hankering to get a look at your own private model when you get back home to your ‘studio.’”
No disrespect to Ms. O’Keefe or anything, but they are fucking flowers, and if you don’t know what your own vagina (excuse me “private model”) looks like, you’ve got bigger problems on your hands.
But, please, do go on:
“Or, if art isn’t really your thing, how about food? Eating street food all along the narrow alleyways of Macau is a remarkably sexy experience. Slurping noodles, nibbling dumplings, eating foods you don’t recognize.”
Nothing is sexier than getting amoebic dysentery from some back alley meat-on-a-stick. And sentence fragments.
“Diego Rivera had Frida Kahlo, Salvador Dali had Gala, and Pablo Picasso had, well, a lot of women. Point being, the primal release of slathering a canvas with pigment releases something in a man.”
Is it ejaculate?
We also think that the author’s manly painting advice sort of contradicts his claim earlier in the article that brunch is for pansies:
“’Let’s do brunch,’ you say. Splendid, he thinks. And afterward, we can go antiquing before stopping by a department store for a refreshing spritz of summer perfume! Right. … So decamp to your local barbecue joint … and as he powers through wet wipes and drains his brew, his defenses will drop.”
Brunch is so emasculating! Please pass me another moist towelette.

Movie of the Day – July 24: One From The Heart

The movie that killed Coppola Studios.  If ever there was a beautiful failure, it is, sadly, One From The Heart.  It is a musical-ish.  That is there are a lot of songs to describe the actors feelings, but the are all writing by Tom Waits, and sung by Tom Waits and Crystal Gale.  They stand in for the characters musically.
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It stars Terri Garr and Fredric Forrest as a couple hitting the seven year itch, even though they are married, and it hasn’t been seven years.  Terri Garr falls for a handsome singer / waiter that wants to sweep her off her feet (Raul Julia) and Fredric Forrest spends an evening of magic (but no sex) with Nastassja Kinski in one her first roles.

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Set in Las Vegas, Francis Coppola ultimately built the entire mini-downtown on a back-lot in Northern California.  Vegas was compact and neon-y enough for him.  However he did kind of come up with the idea of a Neon Graveyard, since turned into an actual museum / attraction in Vegas.  The movie is bathed in blue lights for Fredric Forest and warm reds for Terri Garr.  It is stunning.
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It is a great movie, although Coppola sliced out his own beginning, which is magical and shows Terri Garr not as the wronged woman, but as one of two real-life people having issues.  The original opening is on the 2nd disk.  Watch it and see what I mean.  I saw the original opening in LA at the Plitt (memories!) in a packed house.  It opened in LA, Chicago and New York.  Played to packed houses in LA and empty ones in Chicago and New York.  It died a quiet death.
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Some shots are freakishly good, although you can’t always get the full effect on TV.  On the big screen Terri and her best friend (a young Lani Kazan!) are talking about the relationship in one apartment and Fredric Forest and his friend (the ubiquitous Harry Dean Stanton) in another apartment across town.  But the shot is done on a single stage, with the “wall” between the two rooms painted gauze.  To change locations, Copolla doesn’t cut away but raises and lowers the lights so the wall is see through (and film through).  (Actually – just watching the trailer – you see a flash towards the end as they both hang up the phone at the same time.)
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It this movie doesn’t move you, you need your “move you” emotions checked.
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Coppola, who had big, nay gigantic plans for a new Zoetrope Studios, lost his shirt, the studio and his backing with this picture.
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And yes, that is a real plane that flys over the set at the end of the movie.  Look at the trailer.  They are SO YOUNG!!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I Don't Know if this is Crazy Bad or Crazy Good

For those of us that need motivation... (LINK)
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This, by the by, is from the guy that kicked his Facebook habit but hiring a woman from Craig's List to slap him everytime he logged into Facebook.  (at $8.00 / hour)

Movie of the Day – July 23: Murder at the Gallop

Miss Marple - bit on a snoop
Murder mysteries are always better in black and white.  And (almost) always better during the production code when you couldn’t be too graphic or disgusted.  Very few raping serial killers in the old black and white movies.
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The Thin Man series was breezy.  Raymond Chandler’s series is hard-boiled. Most “famous” sleuths (Charlie Chan, Mr. Moto, The Saint) are personality driven.  But they all have a certain look and feel.  Murder at the Gallop feels different because it IS different.  Made during the 1960s in England, Miss Marple was a very British invention.  Old school British, she was smarter than those whipper-snappers that hadn’t lived through the war.
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She was forever using pluck and stubbornness to solve the wrongs of the world.
With "Mr. Stringer" - Stringer Davis (real name, not character name!)
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Normally Miss Marple is a little old woman, un-assuming and overlooked.  And they there is Margaret Rutherford’s Miss Marple.  She is a big woman, easily offended by the dithering police.  It is also fun to see “police” in 1960s rural England when they rode bikes and carried nothing more lethal than a whistle.
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Margaret Rutherford made a series of Miss Marple movies (Murder at the Gallop, Murder Most Foul, Murder She Said, and Murder Ahoy – I would avoid Murder Ahoy).  Any three of the four could be on this list.
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Margaret Rutherford and her bumbling sidekick, Mr. Stringer, solve a murder that the police don’t think is a murder at all.  To prove it, she usually puts herself in danger.  In ..at the Gallop, she dtakes a job at a Boarding School / Riding Camp to see which of the heirs of a rich old (and dead) man might a murderer.

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PS – The opening music is the same in all of them and drives Ed crazy. Listen and you decide.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Because I need a laugh (larff)

Rick Perry has a "Cunning Plan"

Rick Perry has a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.
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What is this? you ask.  Well Rick Perry is summoned the National Guard to protect the border.  He is bringing 1,000 men up. (Not just men, baby, Texas National Guardsmen.)
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Definitely not, I repeat NOT a political stunt.

Now, this would make sense (maybe) if the border was being sneaked through people trying to evade capture.  But that isn't the case.  Obama has effectively closed the border and has deported more illegal migrants than Bush1 and Bush 2 combined.
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No the problem right now is children from Central America (where life super sucks with the highest murder rates in the world - including Chicago).  And they cannot be immediately deported because of a law the Republicans passed and Bush 2 signed which says all minors get a hearing except those from Mexico (and Canada).
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And the children willingly, happily, gladly turn them selves over to the first person they see.  So Ricky could put 10 or 100 or 1,000 or 1,000,000 National Guard people on the border and it would make no difference.
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It also seems ironic that the Republicans - huge believers that President Obama has a conspiracy to call the army in and take away people's guns - is a-okay with Crazy Legs Perry hauling out the Army for a little show and tell.
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PS "Cunning Plan" Scott?
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Black Adder
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Why Don't the Palestinians Just Move?

One could ask, why don't the Palestinians in Gaza just move?  After all, it would seem, they should be able to move form the part of the country being attacked to another part of the country.
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But here Geography raises it's nasty head.
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Gaza is tiny.
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Gaza is 1/2 the size of the cities of Charlotte or Austin (both ~ 290 sq. miles city PROPER, not suburbs).  Gaza is small.  Additionally it is dense.  How dense?  Well, the area is the 6 most densely populated area int eh world (after Macau, Monaco, Singapore, Hong Kong and Gibraltar).
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It has 1/2 as much land as Charlotte NC or Austin TX, but twice as many people (1.4 Million vs. ~ 700 thousand for those cities proper).
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Gaza is a tiny bit less densely populated than the city of Chicago.
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So the answer, "Why don't Palestinians Just Move?" Is that there is no where to go.  Israel and Egypt won't let them leave and, even if they did, almost no country will accept economic refugees anymore.

Movie of the Day – July 22: The File on Thelma Jordon

Okay – this is a bit out there, but bear with me.
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Wendell Cory and Barbara Stanwyck
The File on Thelma Jordon exists at a rare intersection.  It is both a Film Noir and a “Woman’s Movie”.  And only Barbara Stanwyck could pull those off consistently.  Sure Mildred Pierce works 80% of the time, but the other 20% is pure camp.  Barbara Stanwyck never lets the silliness of the story pull her out of it for a moment.  The most famous of these types of movies is “Sorry, Wrong Number”, but it doesn’t really work for me.  The director has Barbara be too much over the top.
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The best of these is “Double Indemnity”, but that is too famous for this list.  A close second on her best list (from this period) is “The File on Thelma Jordon”.  Barbara is Thelma – a girl with a record, a thing for the wrong guy and a heart too quick to love.
Corey, Stanwyck and Richard Rober
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 Sit opens with Thelma as a crook who shows up to trick an unhappily married District Attorney.  Sparks fly, affairs are started and things go downhill from there.  But they go down oh so beautifully.  Until the end when Thelma – in the tradition of all Film Noir, has to pay for her crimes.  The moral and legal ones.  No one does it better.

Because This Is How We Make Policy

Well damn, if 57% of Americans think Israel is right, it must be right.
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After all, more than 57% thought Iraqis would greet us with flowers and cookies.  More than 57% that thought Iranians would kill all the hostages.  Hell more than 57% believe ghosts, UFOs and Angels are real and interact with us regularly.
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Getting 57% of Americans to believe something for a while is no big trick.
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I am not saying Israel is wrong, but I am saying American opinions don't mean much in a conflict that is thousands of miles away in a region where we are pretty consistently clueless.
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For me, Israel could be "in the right" and still be pretty damn awful.  They have killed over 100 kids, 550 people for no benefit.  It seems to me that this continues so Israeli politicians can stand in front of their voters and say, "Look how tough I am."
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And their cause isn't helped by having thousands of Israeli Supporters in Times Square this week-end cheering the targeting of children ("then they shouldn't put rockets in hospitals" without proof they did - or the great line an Israeli supporter had on TV, "Those kids shouldn't have been playing on a beach during a war").  Cheering and parading for killing people, to show support for Israel is, well, horrible.
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In fact, it is what turned most Americans against the Palestinian cause.  When Palestinian supporters cheered bombings of buses and cafes, Americans were sickened.  Israeli supporters cheering the slaughter of civilians might, someday, a similar effect.  It has already started to.

Monday, July 21, 2014

So, if Corporations don't have to fund...

So if corporations don't have to fund birth control they (incorrectly) believe causes abortions, then why do I have to pay taxes so that we can send $3,000,000,000.00 + dollars a year to Israel so they can do this?
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Jul. 16, 2014. Palestinian women react during the funeral of four boys, all from the Bakr family, killed during Israeli shelling, in Gaza City.(Mohammed Abed—AFP/Getty Images)

Cheese Curds in New Yawk City

Remember that commercial about Pace Salsa, where the cowboys were incredulous that salsa was made in New York City.  I didn't particularly like the commercial, because Pace Salsa is pretty vile.  (the best is Herdez, where you can get it).
Hot Pots and Elizabeth has a "traditional" bar-b-q chicken lunch
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Anyway, Eddie and I had a nice brunch with our friend Elizabeth Sunday.  We ate at Barn Joo - a very fun little Korean restaurant.  Here is a picture of the brunch food.  Very yummy!
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Afterwards, Eddie and I went across the street to Beecher Cheese store.  We expected a hoity toity cheese store.  Instead we were greeted by a high end cheese-making facility.
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Cheese Making Vats

Yep, the same vats I first saw in Wisconsin (where a nice family explained then to me) was right there.
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We were shocked, and then, almost immediately, realized they might have cheese curds.  Now, there were expense, but they were pretty damn good.  How good?  Well, they didn't last the afternoon at home and Trevor and I didn't get very many at all :-).
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On the way out I took a picture of the lights, I loved them.
Very Cool Lights