Dear John (ny Reb),
I know this might be a hard letter to read, - it is, after all, a hard letter to write. We've been trying to make this work for a long time, but we both know that it hasn't been going well. Sure we had some good times, but in the past few years - let's be honest, it's been a sham.
.
As for the kids, they're all grown now. Idaho, Nevada, South Dakota... even the twins Arizona and New Mexico have all grown up and are passing new laws on their own. (Arizona even looks like you, Johnny.)
.
You've always said it wasn't about the slavery and you keep trying to prove. Over and over. You are outlawing reproductive rights, restricting access to sex education, making gun laws looser (even requiring households to own them in Georgia). And what is it with you and the Ultrasound wands?
.
And me, I know you hate the gay marriage and domestic partnership thing, and my tack on medical marijuana - and up here we are outlawing automatic weapons and magazine clips with over 50 rounds at once. Maybe we just don't have hogzilla's up here which require a gatling gun to bring down. You think we are going to hell and we think you're loony tunes. Maybe we are both wrong (or both right, does it matter?).
.
So I think it might best if we just separate amicably. I'm not going to make simple jokes at your expense, and I hope you won't make them at mine. Let's just agree to disagree, Johnny. We'll see you at Christmas and the Super Bowl, so I don't want this to be awkward.
.
Geography makes things a little difficult but, it's not something we can't figure it out. Essentially it is Maryland and all the other states above the old Mason Dixon - but you can keep Pennsylvania. In the West it is the Coast and Nevada. Colorado, New Mexico and Montana - well they really fall somewhere between us, maybe kids have to find their own way Johnny. And as for the upper mid-west - who knows, maybe they'll run off and marry Canada. Or Sweden. Even though I know some of them still hold a flame for you John.
.
I hope you find what you are looking for - a land where fags can be shot on the church steps and children don't learn about babies until they start having them at 14. A land where the cancerous and infirm get by on oxycotin and moonshine - without any of that wacky tabacky. Speaking of tabacky, you guys can start marketing that again, thats something, right?
.
As for us, it isn't all Lindsey Lohan and the Kardashians - sometimes we are frivolous. We are still perverts that like Theater and pretend to like Opera (no one really likes Opera John, the last Opera I enjoyed starred Bugs and Elmer). We will buy stupid cars that go slow, run on farts and say that it doesn't bother us - but it will. And we are stuck with Octo-mom and that annoying actor that always talks about his Prius. Oh Johnny, how we will miss the F150s!.
Look on the bright side Johnny, you don't have to pay for Hurricane Sandy or Earthquakes. And we don't have to pay for New Orleans, Florida, the Outer Banks, Mississippi flooding or Tornados. You can cut taxes all you want - and we can still tax enough for luxuries like roads and bridges.
.
It was a great fun, but it was just one of those things... (yes Johnny, still quoting musicals, I can't help it.)
.
Signed the Hedonistic Heathens