Well the Norwegian People for Moose Support (NoPMS), have investigated the issue, and their results are surprising. It seems that NoPMS found out that our understanding of mooses’ sexuality has been sorely lacking. It seems that mooses (unlike other animals – say Elk) do not grow horns to attract mates. Nor are the males brightly colored (like birds). No, the healthy male moose has little to distinguish itself from a sickly male, so it has resorted to stealth.
What the male moose does is hide in the woods (it also shits in the woods, but so does the Pope so that is neither here nor there). Then it spots a couple of female, usually discussing what ever it is that female mooses discuss. Once the male spots them, it runs a full tilt at the female moose, bounding quickly as possible and landing on the female moose’s back. It then (put this delicately) slips the moose the mickey – and wanders off on his way satisfied. The female moose (not quite finished at the end of it all – but (as NoPMS says) what else is new) can support the sudden weight of Mr. 2.5 seconds because her comrade is there to work as a backstop.
Herein lies the problem. Some male mooses (notoriously near-sighted) are confused by short ugly cars. Since the introduction of the Ford Focus throughout Norway, the male moose population –those that lives near cities – have been launching themselves at the back of the stubby little autos. The drawback of having moose .. shall we say… excitement on the rear window, pales in comparison to the decline of the moose population.
As the population decreases, there are less moose to coffee klatch in the woods. Even those males that correctly identify a female moose – and launch themselves appropriately – now have a high incident of harming the female. Let’s face it, it takes some strong ankles to hold up a moose that has leaped onto your back (even if it is only for a few seconds), without a friend, the incidence of moose sprained angels grows exponentially.
What to do? NoPMS has a unique solution. They have begun to hang, throughout the woods, large prophylactic rubber bands between trees. The female moose, wandering and grazing happily, will wander into the rubber band (females are notoriously single minded as they graze). The male, seeing the female slightly tangled, will take this moment to pounce. The rubber band will then serve at the backstop moose surrogate.
Voila – you have a female moose that will not have sprained angles. A male moose that is satisfied. And maybe more that 2.5 seconds so the occasionally the female moose might have a little fun to boot.
FYI – I don’t find the current news cycle funny.