Honourable Governor Perry
State Texas
West of the State of Denial, and South of
the State of Confusion
Dear Governor Perry,
You have, along with your predecessor the
Right Honourable President George W. Bush (the 43rd), the uniquely
Texan character trait (I would never say “flaw”) to be unable to admit when you
are wrong. If you said it, then it must
be true.
While the previously mentioned President Bush
has a documented problem with this (we all remember the unfortunate “Mission
Accomplished” fiasco), I am here to proffer my services to you to avoid just
such a fate. I am willingly, nay –
eager, to make this suggestion in order to make your, heretofore
fact-challenged, pronouncement valid.
I speak, of course, with regards to your
flights of fancy that Global Climate Change is “unsettled” – and schemers arise
weekly to “study” this “crisis” in search of grant funds. Despite multiple requests to name said
experts, you can come up with none.
And here is where I can do you a solid,
sir!
I have a degree from University of
California at Los Angeles in Geography and Economics. Texas wildfires have recently burnt an area
the size of Connecticut, just as Texas cities have suffered through their
longest period of 100+ plus weather in history.
I have the background to study this, at a sum of money that is completely
outrageous when quoted – but a drop in the bucket compared to the $55,000,000 your
PAC (strike that) an independent
Political Action Committee is rumoured to
be prepared to spend on your coronation (strike that) the election.
I realize that you are currently fighting
this whim of nature with all your considerable resources – you have had both a
3 day prayer fest, as well as the Houston Prayer-a-paloza – and I am not offering
my services as any type of fire fighter.
Nay, I am proffering to study Texas Climate Change for an outrageous sum
of money to lend credence to your statement that climate change is unsettled because people are still raising vast
sums of money to study it.
Of course, my proffer doesn’t make your
statement valid. You stated on multiple
occasions "there are a substantial number of scientists who have
manipulated data so that they will have dollars rolling into their
projects." Until dollars are
literally “rolling in”, your statement is categorically false. As for my being a “scientist”, really –
people who question evolution aren’t going to be hung up on the technical
definition of “scientist.”
 |
| $ go in little car. little car "rolls" in. |
As for “rolling in” I have plans for this
as well (see figure on right).
I eagerly await a call from your big oil
enablers (strike that) independent Texan Research Grant providers to come
to an adequate compensation plan. I
believe $500,000 for a 6 month study – where I also employee 3 Texan research assistants
(at 50 cents more that minimum wage) will fit the requirements we both have. I will literally roll the money in the door
and will have magically created more Texas
Jobs.
Your Servant (as we all will be soon).
Scott