Denver-based Catholic Health Initiatives will acquire Nebraska Heart Institute and Nebraska Heart Hospital, both located in Lincoln, according to a Grand Island Independent report. (satire starts) In doing so Catholic Health Initiative Hospitals will join the Nebraska Law Suit against the Obama Administration to protest being required to provide Birth Control in the Health Care Services. Current Lincoln Heart Hospital employees will have their Health Insurance updated, and be requested to flush their remaining Birth Control pills down the toilet.
Newly installed Cardinal Timothy Dolan is quoted as saying, “The fact that we don’t require proof to show that the pills were flushed shows how tolerant we are being to the sinners among us.” He has also sent 3 priests for temporary assignment to take confession from the newly identified sinners.
In other news (satire grows; marginally) Catholic Health Initiative’s current Hospitals in Arkansas, Tennessee, Ohio, Wisconsin and Colorado – in addition to the newly aquired ones in Nebraska, will be closed on Sundays, beginning in March 2012. A spokesman said, “Our stated mission is clear and on our web site, ‘The mission of Catholic Health Initiatives is to nurture the healing ministry of the Church by bringing it new life, energy and viability in the 21st century. Fidelity to the Gospel urges us to emphasize human dignity and social justice as we move toward the creation of healthier communities.’ We can’t do that on a Sunday! The Bible says reserveth thy Sunday for the Lord.” The spokesperson immediately drooped to one knee and Tebow'ed - which makes sense as Catholic Health Initiative is headquartered in Denver.
When questioned as to what happens if a accident occurs on a Sunday, the spokesperson responded. “Kind of Lord’s will, then isn’t it?” After a moment the spokesperson added, “In 75% of our coverage areas, another hospital is within 53.6 miles. We suggest the heathens can always travel to a secondary support facility.”
Two receptionists (who requested anonymity) asked the injured to bring back some Birth Control pills and condoms. They were immediately fired.