Thursday, November 14, 2013

While You've Been Busy...

While most level headed people avoid the news like the plague, I - you're intrepid mister of nincompoopery - have kept an eye out. For you!
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Here is what you might have missed.
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Leo, The worst drug sniffing dog in the world.
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Leo and police in New Mexico have lately been given deep cavity searches for drugs to people who have no drug history, no arrests and ultimately no drugs.
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In one case, New Mexico police (Albuquerque, I think) stopped a man in a parking lot and thought he "clenched his buttocks". Rather than being
a reflexive response to an overexcited police investigation, the police thought this meant he had drugs up his ass.  In the Home Depot parking lot.
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So Leo went in and thought he smelled drugs in the car seat.  Which could only mean drugs in his ass.
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2 probes, 3 enemas, multiple x-rays and one 1AM colonoscopy later - the man was proven drug free  (hell at this point LA police know to plant the freaking drugs!).
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Leo also sniffed out a mother (again - no drug arrests, no history) crossing the border. So customs did x-rays - a visual search of her vagina and anus, had her cough while squatting nude - then just decided to go ahead and rattled around her front door and back.  Without, you know, a warrant.
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Moving on.
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Scotland Yard has decided, after a year of investigating, that a spy killed himself and then put himself into a gym bag.
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By locking himself in a gym bag at home.
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With a padlock.
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With a padlock that didn't have his fingerprints on it.  In a gym bag with none of his DNA on the outside of the bag.
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Crafty!
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Finally - No one plays until Senator Graham finds Satisfaction!
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And finally Senator Lindsey Graham expressed outrage over the Benghazi report on 60 Minutes and has put a hold on the Head of the Federal Reserve Board.  Which, has nothing to do with Benghazi.
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And, the 60 Minutes story was based on a lie - which they have acknowledged and apologized for.
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Senator Graham doesn't let little things like facts stop him though.
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He insists on more talks until he is satisfied. 
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Can someone please buy him a hooker!