Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
It doesn't surprise me that Britney Spear's mother has a book just waiting to come out, although I was surprised it was going to be a how-to book on being a good mother. Nor does it particular surprise me that Britney's 16 year old sister is pregnant by her boyfriend (not husband). I mean this family is just one lucky / skanky video away being life time waitresses at a downmarket "Hooters" knock off.
What did surprise me is that the book is being published by a Christian book publisher, Thomas Nelson. Self proclaimed Christian and Inspirational Publisher (really).
So all of you who were waiting for "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" to come out so you could learn how to raise nice level headed daughters like Britney and the expanding Jamie Lynne, will have to wait.
You see, saying that you a a Christian Values publisher means that people will judge you on that basis. I know it's not fair, but it is the same thing as having a gay flag on your car or wearing a yamika. If you advertise it, then you actions are held up as an example of the group behavior. Fairly or unfairly. I myself have cursed bad gay drivers with those horrible little flags as letting whole world know that you are a gay idiot that cuts people off!! Like I said, it's not fair, but we all do it.
Still, I think Thomas Nelson Publishing should have seen this one coming a mile away. Come on! Britney Spears' mother as a child rearing expert? This Britney Spears?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
It was billed as a "hilarious, heartfelt holiday hi-jinks". It was, in fact, a complete hoot.
Let us start with the Zipper, which is a tiny theater "space" that holds about 250 people. We all sat up to the left of the stage on Mini-Van seats that had been pulled out and made into theater seats. The stage was a mid-west take on the "Playboy After Dark" set, complete with Foamcore fireplace which Santa was suppose to come through, but instead a parade of buxom girls (you notice I did not say buxom beauties - they were female, and buxom, but not such the beauty unless you went for that whole tatoo'ed hooker, hit in the face with an ugly stick look).
When Murray showed up, imagine our surprise that the 50 year old mensch was, in fact, a short crass little lesbian in drag. And Murray was Fun-knee.
The show just got weirder as the evening progressed. Tap dancing triplets shook their money makers around the stage (I use tap dancing very liberally in this sentence - they could neither tap nor dance - but their shoes made noise). Their was a lesbian choir from Massachusetts (really). And "Dirty Martini" a stripper who was at her best probably 50 pounds and 15 years ago. However she could make those tassels move in the same direction, alternate directions or make one go up and down as the other went across (I can't even do that think where you pat your head and rub your tummy). Of course, her liberal amount of belly flab moved at the same time, giving you peeks of her thong - but the tassels held your attention.
And below is Bridget Everett. The woman could belt out a song like nobody. The song, truth be told, was too dirty to repeat here. Let's just say it describes a sexual act which is still illegal between a man and a woman in many states.
As appropriate to this Christmas extravaganza, cocktails were served and you were allowed, nay encouraged, to head to the bar every now and then.
You can't make these thing up. And, can I say, it was a spot-on perfect antidote to Christmas shopping.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Well, Thursday flights weren't great. But Joc ("joss") got to the airport at 10:30 AM to ge the early flight, in before the storm. Cancelled. So she got ont he 1:50 flight to land at 3:05 (Rochester New York to New York city is short). It left the gate at 2:10 and fianlly took off a 1/2 hour later. AT 4:15 Ed and I looked at flight tracker and she was circling Albany. At 5:15 - still circling. At 5:30, the plane was head back to Rochester. At 6:15 the plane had landed.. in Philadelphia!!!
She tried to get a ticket back to Rochester, but the nice counter person told her she never left Rochester, so she couldn't get a ticket back - because, despite her physical presence in Philadelphia, the computer said she was in Rochester. You can't argue with the computer.
She finally got home at 10:45. Twelve hours and 15 minutes after she left and having never really gone anywhere. But she wanted a report of the Grinch. So here it is.
TV show was half hour, well done – mad props
But the play plays ninety minutes,
So they added songs and stage business,
You see the Grinch, the big green wonder, doesn’t enter til scene five
And the audience is restless, “The plays not alive!”
They pick a line from the story to make into a song
But the line they pick from the book is wrong, wrong…
The noise in the book is music, made from toys and from dreams
The noise in the play is just those kids and those extra loud screams
Yes they scream at the Grinch, who covers in fright
They scream and they scream and I think that I might
Have to go into hiding, as yelling starts in the throng
Just the thing that I need, an audience scream sing-along
The Grinch finally stops them, I cheer for the Grinch
They’re stopped with a bop, it’s easy, a cinch
Of course the “song” is reprised, three times, maybe four
Am I lucky and sit in seat 20, I would head for the door
But no such luck
I am stuck
Another hour or more
Other things happen, not much, but a few
Snow comes from the roof (cannons go off too)
It finally comes to an end, it staggers to a stop
Grinchy green bows, and all the kids applaud for the flop
And our Scooter? He’s trying to get to the door
He thinks of Joc in the air, 5 hours or more
And he thinks, "Would I have traded places with her?"
"Yes", in an instant, of that he is sure
He slips on his i-pod
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Welcome Climate Change Sinners and Demons!
Yes, you have joined the Atheists, Agnostics, Muslims, Pro-Choice, Homosexual, Divorced, Adulterous, Non-tithing, Mormons, Birth-Control taking, John Kerry supporting sinners on their march straight to hell.
The (not-really-nazi)Pope has proclaimed YOU the next contestant on the Catholic Church's new show, "Don't Piss the Pope Off."
The Pope condemns the climate change prophets of doom
If you have ever been to Disneyland, these are the windows by the Emorium (on Main Street) used to bring [New Movie X] to Life, Right Before Your Eyes! They are something cute to see on the way out of the park, not something to queue up for in snow for 45 minutes at Macys, only to go home and say “Wow, that made my trip!”
Of course, you now me. I like the weird ass windows – as is my wont. These are from Bergdorf Goodman. You would never purchase any of these outfits. One is couture and the other two are made for the window only by 2 famous designers I cannot spell (Gautier and something-icci). Only the tuxedo is off the rack. It is a tuxedo by Armani worn by a man with a crocodile head.
Anywho, I love them.
"Fire" (Chris Cronin thought this would be better in red, but I think she was taking "fire" too literally.)
See, now these are cool windows. But you never see little kids lining up for 45 minutes to see this. Oh no... they want to see Pocahontas ice skating with the Zulu boy and the little girl with the wodden shoe/skates.
Right, I think there is a better shot of Crocidile Head Man escorting Angela Jolie to the Oscars, than some Hamptons House Homebody letting 2 little poor dark skin childern skate on her pond (Helga, you can come in.).
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
10 hours, 19 minutes and 42 seconds away.
1) Start out going NORTHWEST on W 42ND ST toward 9TH AVE. 0.17 mi
2) Turn LEFT onto 9TH AVE. 0.28 mi
3) Take the LINCOLN TUN ramp toward NEW JERSEY. 0.11 mi
4) Merge onto NY-495 W (Crossing into NEW JERSEY). 4.23 mi
5) Merge onto I-95 S/NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE S via the exit on the LEFT toward I-280/NEWARK/I-78 (Portions toll). 6.37 mi
6) Keep RIGHT to take I-95 S/NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE S toward EXIT 14-14C/CARS/TRUCKS-BUSES (Portions toll). 0.45 mi
7) Merge onto I-78 W toward US-1/NEWARK AIRPORT/US-22 (Portions toll). 1.42 mi
8) Keep LEFT to take I-78 EXPRESS LN W toward GARDEN STATE PARKWAY/CLINTON. 9.31 mi
9) I-78 EXPRESS LN W becomes I-78 W (Portions toll) (Crossing into PENNSYLVANIA). 125.73 mi
10) Merge onto I-81 S via EXIT 1B on the LEFT toward HARRISBURG (Passing through MARYLAND and WEST VIRGINIA, then crossing into VIRGINIA). 370.14 mi
11) Merge onto I-77 S via EXIT 81 toward CHARLOTTE NC (Crossing into NORTH CAROLINA). 124.88 mi
12) Merge onto I-85 S via EXIT 13B toward SPARTANBURG. 2.19 mi
13) Take the BROOKSHIRE BLVD/NC-16 exit, EXIT 36, toward DOWNTOWN. 0.18 mi
14) Merge onto BROOKSHIRE BLVD/NC-16 N toward NEWTON. 0.38 mi
15) Turn RIGHT onto N HOSKINS RD. 0.02 mi
Total Estimated Time: 10 hours, 19 minutes, 42 seconds
Total Distance: 645.85 miles
From Salon .. for those of you without access to Salon and with Boobies...
Someday, bras will be writing this blog
Bras have been on my mind lately. (Also, on my back. Bah-DUM-dum.) I recently wrote a story about getting fitted for a bra. And today, what crosses my glittery pink desktop but a story about the "intelligent bra," a futuristic brassiere that has sensors in the fabric and adjusts for maximum comfort and support. Whoa, welcome to the future: No jet-pack, but supersonic lingerie! Women of all cup sizes can get behind this. The intelligent bra sounds like one of those Sharper Image chairs, but for your boobs. Ladies and gentlemen, I am so in. Now, whether you consider a healthy 33-year-old woman complaining about her giant rack to be interesting or totally annoying, you cannot argue with me that it makes exercise more difficult. As for running, I think I speak for large-breasted women everywhere when I say: "Ouch."
Monday, December 10, 2007
Then they took pictures with Eddie. And they don't drink, go figure.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Last night my girlfriend and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
"Excuse me, sir."
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
He was a nice guy and a pretty good recruiter. Unfortunately he was a so-so coach and a horrible motivator (as opposed to good old Steve Lavin who was a lousy coach but a great motivator).
You’ve all heard of the “dodo” bird, yes? Apparently the dodo was the big bird of Mauritius. It was about 3 feet tall, flightless and tasty. I say tasty, because they didn’t put up much of a fight as the sailors passing by stopped and ate them. (And I say penguins must taste AWFUL, of they would have gone the way of the dodo – but I digress.)
But it wasn't just ugly and tall. It is, like, the rock-star of Mauritius. I mean there is no other indigenous animals (the "kiss-my-french-ass" waiter with attitude - although plentiful in the beach resorts, has been imported to the islands). So the Mauritians love them so dodo action.
So on Mauritius, ex-home of the dodo, there are dodo nic-nacs everywhere. I mean carved dodos, painted dodos, giant faux dodos, dodos on the national seal. You would think the damn bird was lurking somewhere in the bushes. But it went extinct like in the 1680s.
And, like any good marketing campaign, you catch yourself wanting dodo stuff pretty quickly. I have a dodo ashtray, we have a dodo sticker, and it is only because we didn’t really like Mauritius that everyone is not getting a little carved dodo. I mean I satisfied my dodo urge for about 4 bucks, but you could spend thousands for a life sized dodo.
Here is a picture of the homely little cherub.
Dumb, slow and ugly as sin. But... you know... tastes like chicken.
Okay, let me start with the facts before I let loose a tirade (which I will not do). The Bush Administration, by IT'S OWN ADMISSION, has stated it knows that Iran gave up it's Nuclear Bomb work in 2003.
Fair enough, thanks for the truth (although you got caught - you didn't cough it up on your own). But, the administration has know this for months. During those same months, the President, the Vice-President, our Secretary of State, our Secretary of Defense and our Secretary of Energy have been building up to war.
And if you think I am wrong - remember our President's words, "the threat of Iran with a nuclear weapon very seriously," and that the best way to prevent "World War III" would be to prevent the Iranians from obtaining the "knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon."
Or this gem from Cheney, we should "reach for any tool that's available" -- including the "possible use of military force" -- to "discourage the Iranians from enriching uranium and producing nuclear weapons.
So if you thought Bush and Cheney wouldn't lie again and try to lead us into an unnecessary and futile war to prove their manhood. Well, "Fool me twice...
An administration that lies repeatedly about issues of life and death does not deserve our respect. It doesn't deserve the respect of the world.
America once stood for honesty, the rights of people and self-determination. That is the America I miss. It's like when you come home from summer break and your best friend moved. And you never got the chance to say good-bye. You ache.
Monday, December 03, 2007
And as they preach their uplifting messages about Hate for the “other” (other party, other candidates, other people that want to set bombs and kill us, other people that want to climb over the border and take our jobs, other people in Hollywood that want to destroy our morality, other people in Virginia who use god to club us, other people in Washington would don’t care terrorist are bent on destroying us, other people in Washington who themselves are bent on taking away our liberties; others who are not like you and therefore are a threat to you , your family, your way of life, and your ability to take a piss in private, THEM!!!!!) As they preach this; the message is loud and clear --- you should lock the door, close the windows and don’t make a peep until they are elected.
It is crap.
Then on TV are the “making a difference” stories about real people. A kid in Arizona started a charity that build a hospital and high school for AIDs orphans in Zambia. Military in Iraq got a community in the mid-west to send toys to kids with nothing. A school teacher in the Bronx is setting up mentorships.
I don’t know where our tax dollars go. I mean even after you pay for the lobbyist, the corporate jets, the constant constant constant campaigning, the hush money, the hooker money, the building of ever better bombs (and replacement bombs), the study and prototyping of ever more efficient ways to kill people; can’t some teeny tiny percent of that money be used to build some schools or orphanages or send a school supplies and toys to a country we have bombed back into the Flintstone’s era.
Why are our elected officials (not our government, not our way of government, I love the country) but why are the men and women we pick such absolute assholes?
Well, he has wrapped up the season as the leader of the only undefeated Major School. He has set the record in college history for the most touchdowns in his carrer. He made mistakes (passing on the pro's, I think a DUI) and took his punishment quietly and fairly.
Now, Hawaii is in their first MAJOR BCS bowl ever. By not being a quitter he has brought honor back to himself as well as some millions of dollars to the University of Hawaii.
Since there is a West Coast Bias against footballers, I don't think hehas much of a Heisman chance, but I am sure he will d well in the pros.
Plus, he is a goof that still likes fishing and hanging out in Hawaii.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Vancouver 2010 mascots unveiled
Leave it to Canada to have a cryptozoological beatie like a sasquatch as its Olympic mascot. Vancouver 2010 unveiled their Olympic and Paralympic mascots: Quatchi the Sasquatch, Miga the Sea Bear, and Sumi the Thunderbird.